JUNE: Ants and the Summer of False Starts
Yesterday, after a prolonged mishap in which my Mom and I mistook the date of a used book sale (and only realized once we showed up), my zoom link to an info session with the Sister Colleges was broken (I got a new link later and it was wonderful), and my girlfriend’s propane tank at her cabin broke, my mother said, offhandedly, in her usual endearingly sardonic tone, “This is the summer of false starts!”
Dread rushed coldly through my soul.
SOME BIGGER FALSE STARTS THAT HAVE BEEN HAPPENING LATELYMy mother retired from the non-profit she founded. She had to come back, and is now working once more.
My Deferral Plan was not approved and I un-enrolled from my dream school.
We spent a week at our summer vacation rental house before it was infested with ants. Particularly, my room. They feasted on me in the night, leaving me covered head to toe in bites. I didn’t know ants could bite. I had a very traumatic sort of breakdown. We left our vacation home abruptly, and came back for another (really very beautiful) week in another house.
We did not receive approval for the summer student-directed production of The Crucible that I have been organizing the past three months. Sad!
Is there something wrong with me? No. I’m attuned to this would-be pattern, and because of that, I am noticing these things and taking particular, personal hurt from it, as I see it as the latest barb in a long string of disappointments that must be due to my own shortcomings. I’ve been prone to magical thinking all my life, and this is just the latest bout. Ah, psychology! After thinking about it for about two minutes, I realized that ascribing any unusual pattern to my life, especially one so self-serving, is silly. In essence, silly things happen to me because I am a silly person. There is an absurd quality inherent into my being and that is why I get scammed on Etsy.
This feeling of frequent disappointment, however falsely inflated in my mind, is not reassuring in the face of my year. Very honestly, despite my joy lately, I am full of doubt. I crave the warm embrace of an institution— I need to know that what I am doing is helping me get somewhere. Entering this year, I knew that the doubt would come, and I am doing all I can to believe in myself and my abilities. The world is enormous, but that surely means that for all the disappointments, there is something out there that brings me belonging.
The first month of my gap year was artistically rich, and very exciting despite the foggy sense of direction. I spent most of in in Monterey, which was incredible (post-ants, that is), and I had my senior showcase with NorCal SOTA, which was surreal and sweet and I haven’t processed still.
Some Sappho for the end of a very nice Pride month.
Ila and I saw this otter about twenty yards from the beach. it was very magical and we named it Ozzie after my stuffed otter that I still sleep with. This was one of several magical experiences with animals lately: including deer, baby deer, birds, other sea otters, seals, and ground squirrels.
Favorite things this month include putting silk ribbons in my hair, caprese salad, and composing bedtime stories.
While this is a playlist, in the dream, each respective artist had put out special Sea Otter editions of their greatest hits, and new Sea Otter inspired music. The unconscious human mind is truly beautiful
I have begun reading a book on and practicing Alexander Technique, which is changing the way I move and live in my body.
So many new plays, musicals, books, performances, dreams, ambitions, ideas!!
Patti LuPone and Audra McDonald in The Rise and Fall of the City of Mahagonny, a Kurt Weill opera about a pleasure city founded by outlaws. The DVD I ordered of this is on the way!!
Donna Murphy in LoveMusik, a musical about the rise and fall of Kurt Weill.
Tom Stoppard’s The Coast of Utopia is a nine hour trilogy of plays on pre-revolutionary Russian philosophical debates. One day, I want to be in a beast like this. Maybe a full length Shakespearean history, or an all-night experimental dinner show.
I LOVE RUSSIAN LITERATURE! Anna Karenina has my favorite characters of any books I’ve read, and I read it so prolifically that my internal monologue began to sound like Tolstoy. I recently re-read my copy of Chekhov’s plays, but I left it in the window and the relentless sun yellowed it :-( Poor Anton, please forgive me. I bought Demons and I’m nearly done with The Idiot.
Everything is growing in our garden! I’m growing cut flowers, strawberries, tomatoes, and herbs. I’ve been reading up on Organic farming, and learned some useful things while visiting my Grandma (a certified Master Gardener).
This! This Blog! Oh, how I missed writing. Journaling is great, but writing with standards (however minimal) is different.
Soon, I begin my summer job with NorCal SOTA, and then not far after that, my NYC adventure. Hurrah!
Much love! 07/05/23
